26 Dimensions
by sunshineditty
Summary: Drabbles of what ifs and AUs based upon my favorite scenes/episodes of TBBT (not in any particular order). Ratings will vary, so look at beginning of each chapter to find out what it will be. Pairings may/may not be canon, but fair warning: I'm not a fan of Leonard and I love Sheldon/Penny.
1. Chapter 1

**Dialogue based off of Episode 5.8 "The Isolation Permutation" with some tweaks for my story.**

* * *

><p>"The two of you need to get your women in line!"<p>

Leonard and Howard look up at the towering and fuming Texan pointing at them. His normal unruffled appearance is distinctly disturbed, hair parted on the wrong side, and wearing one layer instead of the usual three.

"What?" Leonard asks, puzzled. He isn't currently in a relationship as much as he wants one, so Sheldon isn't making sense, even worse than usual.

"Last night I was strong-armed into evening of animal lust and spooning with an emotional Penelope Anne Watson. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space time geometry in higher spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star."

The boys take a breath in order to rally themselves to deal with an angry Sheldon Cooper. Raj just sits there with a small smirk, glad to be out of his treasured friend's line of sight.

"And you know why?" Sheldon's voice goes up like the xylophone he's fond of using while searching for the acoustic sweet spot in a movie theater. "Your gal pals, Amy and Bernadette, went out shopping for some weekend retreat nonsense without Penny. An action they took with no thought with regard to how it would affect me, the future of String Theory, or my Lego fun time!"

Raj and Howard exchange glances, and Raj raises a cocky brow because he doesn't have to throw himself on the grenade. The silence is reluctantly broken by Howard.

"What do you want us to do about it?

"You clearly weren't listening to my topic sentence: get your women in line! You make them apologize to Penny and set things right . I am a man of science, not someone's whoopee buddy!"

The space between them practically vibrates with emotion, yet Leonard's mind is still stuck on Sheldon's uncharacteristic use of vulgar words (well, his version anyway).

"Hang on a minute. Did you really just say "whoopee buddy?""

"I apologize for using such strong language, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Penny has stricken coitus from the lexicon and I refuse to call the thrusting, grunting, and exchange of fluids making love. That's just absurd."

"You and Penny...together?"

It is still mind-boggling how such an odd duck like Sheldon manages to pull pretty and sexy women all the time, but especially the likes of Penelope Ann Watson, a highly paid television actress with the face of an angel and the body of _Terminator 2_ era Linda Hamilton To whit: brawny and scary as hell yet still somehow sexy.

Sheldon is an avowed hater of all physical intimacy to the point of wearing gloves to touch himself, and yet he just confessed to a night of passion.

"You...and...her...had sex?"

"You're a scientist too, Leonard, or at least you pretend to be one. You should know what happens when you place a highly sexualized woman in the room with a man of deep passion like myself. I tried to avoid it, but she had snuck in a codicil into the Relationship Agreement that I apparently signed off on, so I was given no choice. I had to engage in deep, dirty, arousal with penetration. And then she made me snuggle afterward. Naked."

The boys look stunned.

"Naked," Sheldon reiterates with a sibilance in his voice as if he is trying to imitate a snake. "You know how I feel about nudity but she threatened to rip out what little chest hair I have, so I had to abide until she fell asleep."

"Oh you poor baby, you had to sleep with your really hot girlfriend who seems to care about you against all odds."

"Thank you, Leonard. That does relieve my mind a little that you understand the cross I bear, a real cross unlike the figment of my mother's religiously delusional mind."

Raj leans across the table to put a hand on Leonard's arm and shakes his head to prevent him from punching their aggravating friend. "Why do I have to talk to Amy, she's not my girlfriend."

"Because, Leonard, four years ago you decided it would be funny to sign me up on a dating website as a practical joke and invite her to lunch when she responded. Everything about her is on _you_. You make it so!"

And with that, Sheldon stomps out of the lunch room as dramatically as he stormed in, leaving the three remaining physicists reeling, though more from the fact Sheldon Cooper had sex than from his anger.

"So, uh, what're you going to do?"

Howard and Leonard exchange glances. "Get our women in line, I guess."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Little drabbles keep popping into my head, so I've decided to round them up and corral them under one banner. They will be based upon my favorite scenes/episodes. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Future fic based off of 7.15 "The Locomotive Manipulation" - though this time its Penny and Sheldon who're dating**

* * *

><p>"Why do you never call me Little Lady?"<p>

"What do you mean, Penny?"

"When you were dating Amy, you sometimes called her "Little Lady," which was a far sight better than "Gollum" or "Flaky."

"Amy Farrah Fowler was five foot four inches so she was little compared to me."

"Bernadette is shorter."

"Dr. Rostenkowski-Wolowitz is, as they say in the common parlance, a midget. She has to stand on a step stool to look into her peephole."

"So, I'm too big for you to think of me as feminine?"

"Why do you persist in misinterpreting my words? I never said that."

"You don't ever call me cutesy pet names."

"Why does every woman in my life require it? You were born Penelope Ann Watson, so Penny is, in fact, a nickname, yes?"

"Sure, but it's one I had long before I met you and, I dunno, I like knowing you have a name for me that no one else gets to call me. I like having inside jokes with you, something special just for us. I guess it's stupid."

"Now hang on a minute, that's not stupid. An absurd woman thing, but not stupid."

"Gee, thanks."

"No problem, Penny. This is why I"m here for you, to think logically when you can't."

"I don't know how I ever got by without you."

"I'm going to go out on a limb and say, you're being sarcastic now."

"You'd be right."

"Oh goody, I'm getting better at this as now I'm six out of eighteen on the month."

"Even I can do the math on that, Sheldon, and that's not a good percentage."

"It is when last month I was zero for twenty-two."

"Good point."

"Now back to the nickname issue - think about it this way. You don't have a nickname for me, and Moonpie or Sweetie can't count since you appropriated the first from Meemaw and you call everyone the latter."

"Oh I do and its one I know will get you riled."

"Penny, I highly doubt you may find any moniker that will send me into paroxysms of delight."

"I have no idea what you just said, so I'm just gonna have to prove you wrong."

"And what are the terms of our wager?"

"If I win, you have to come up with a nickname. If you win, I will forget this whole thing."

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Now give it your best shot."

"Barry, you're so smart."

"Oh Kitten."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I know I already wrote a one-shot dealing with nicknames, but I loved playing with it so much, I couldn't resist having Penny and Sheldon have their own conversation while in a relationship. For those you don't get her reference, she's calling him Barry Allen, the name of the Flash, a DC comic book character Sheldon has dressed up as numerous times on the show.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Future fic taking off from Episode 2.3 "The Barbarian Sublimation"**

* * *

><p>"Oh come on how's that fair?!"<p>

"Leonard, I can hear you belly-aching from my room. What on Earth has you in such a tizzy?"

"I hate you sometimes Sheldon. I hate you so hard right now."

"What did I do?"

"Um, stole my girlfriend and got my sexual fantasy!"

"Firstly, Penny hasn't been your "girlfriend" in nearly three years now so I couldn't have stolen her, and secondly, why would I have your sexual fantasy? I don't want my own."

"Whoa, did Sheldon just admit to having sexy thoughts?"

"Not helping, Howard."

"Hey man, don't get pissed at me. I'm not the one Penny is dressing up for."

"Exactly what's going on here, Gentlemen?"

"Leonard's upset because he ran into Penny on the stairs carrying a costume she said was for Comic Con."

"Oh I see."

"Do you Sheldon? Do you really?"

"I said I did."

"But do you actually understand?"

"I never said that. I can visualize Penny carrying a costume up the stairs. She told me in a text message she would be bringing it home today."

"Uh, dude, you shouldn't grind your teeth like that. It's bad for them."

"Why is she dressing up for you and going to Comic Con at the same time?"

"Probably because our guild is meeting there. She's dressing as the barbarian Queen Penelope and I'm going as Sheldor the Conqueror."

"Her costume was basically a fur bikini."

"Oh I have her vambraces, knee high boots, and cape in my room. She needed a place to store them since her room is a mess. She will probably bring that over as well."

"That's not the point, Sheldon! How did you get her to cosplay and go with you the biggest geekfest in history?"

"I asked."

"It can't be that simple. I asked her plenty of times and she never said yes."

"I don't know what to tell you, Leonard. I guess you didn't use the right incentive."

"And what exactly was that, Sheldon?"

"This should be good."

"I told her per our Relationship Agreement, which she signed in triplicate and before a witness, that I was a lotted three events she was to accompany me with none of her usual snarky comments or whiny behavior. In turn, I would do the same as turnabout is fair play."

"So that's how she convinced you to home with her for her grandmother's funeral."

"No, Leonard, that one wasn't covered by the Agreement. Her Meemaw died, so of course I would go."

"Wow, that's surprisingly decent of you."

"Thank you, Raj. It was hard because of all the crying, snot, and touching, but I somehow got through it all."

"And there's the Sheldon we know. You had me worried."

"Worried?"

"Yes, that of all of us, you were the better significant other."

"I must be doing something right. Penny constantly compares me to God, despite my repeated statements about how I don't believe in a higher being. Religion is hokum and hogwash for the illiterate and unwashed masses."

"Uh, I don't need to know what goes on in the bedroom between you and my ex-girlfriend!"

"Penny never says that in the bedroom."

"Oh, so she's never said you were amazing or oh god?"

"No, she's usually too breathless or passed out."

"Uh, passed out?"

"Yes, she once said she came so hard she blacked out. I could never get her to explain where exactly she went since she never left my bed, but she couldn't find the words apparently."

"Tell me this is a bad dream, please tell me."

"Go on, Sheldon. Tell us more."

"Howard!"

"No need to yell, Leonard. I am sitting right next to you."

"So not only is he taller and got my dream girl, but he's a better lover and negotiator."

"That's what I'm hearing."

"Sucks to be you, dude."

"Your sympathy is overwhelming, Raj."

"If you'll gentlemen will excuse me, I'm going to Penny's as she made me promise to come over so she could model her costume. Something about fur makes her horny. I'm not sure what horns has to do with it since technically her character doesn't wear any, but hopefully she'll make it clear."

"Kill me now."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This episode was problematic for me because I myself play MMOs and have since the days of UO (Ultima Online). I've never sublimated my sexual drive in a video game and it kind of bothers me that's how Penny is depicted as if an attractive and dynamic female can't enjoy it without an ulterior motive; and yes, used to be I was among the rare females who played, but more and more that's untrue as I've found a lot of the female characters are actually women in real life. On the other hand, I won't deny when I first got started, I got hooked into it just like Penny did and was so obsessed personal hygiene went by the wayside (blame my then boyfriend who got me started so I would stop bitching at him for missing our dates to play). Its not something I'm proud of, but the first step is admitting you have an addiction, right? Also, side note, I've actually played AoC (Age of Conan) and it wasn't that fun as the quest lines were too simplistic and the graphics were blah. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So, this started as a table discussion from 7.16 "The Table Polarization" and then went into...well...completely different/weird territory. Rated PG-13 at the very least.**

* * *

><p>"Sheldon, c'mon. You promised!"<p>

"I don't wanna get a table! We don't need one."

"Omigod, you big baby. We do need one as I'm tired of sitting in front of the tv like we're still in our teens. We're grown adults and we need grown up furniture."

"You're an adult."

"You do realize that's _not_ an insult, right?"

"I don't know why you're even doing this since you don't live with us, Penny. I know its hard to understand since you eat our food, use our wifi, and sleep in Leonard's bed more often than not, but you do have your own pigsty to furnish, or not furnish given your state of finances."

"I said I'd pay you back!"

"What? Who said anything about repayment? I'm talking about not buying a stupid table."

"You keep bringing up the fact I mooch off you, which also includes you lending me money."

"Penny, you borrowing money to pay for a few months of rent while you follow your dreams is not the same as mooching. You know I'm happy to be your lender; it's not like its the first time I've done it."

"Yeah, keep rubbing it in."

"If you don't like borrowing money from me, why do you do it? Leonard is your boyfriend after all, so why not use him as a bank?"

"Because then I'd feel funny; I mean, we do have sex, and doing it after borrowing money from him would feel too much like prostitution."

"Interesting."

"What's interesting about that?"

"So if you can't repay me monetarily, would you resort to having sex with me instead?"

"Uh."

"After all, how else would you repay me especially as you've yet to book a commercial much less anything else?"

"Uh, you have a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. We can't have sex without hurting their feelings!"

"So you would consider having sex with me if they weren't in the picture?"

"If we ever had sex, Sheldon Lee Cooper, it wouldn't be because of money. It would be due to feelings of the emotional and physical kind!"

"Interesting."

"Oh for crying out loud! What's now?"

"So I wouldn't have to be the last man on Earth for you have sex with me?"

"This is not an experiment you can run, Sheldon. I mean, you're you, and you don't even like to be touched. You do realize sex means I'd have to touch you and you'd touch me. And not on the hand."

"I'm fully aware of what sex would entail, Penny. I am a grown man."

"Just checking, sweetie. There are fluids of all kinds exchanged, we'd be nude - or not, depending on your kink - and lying down. Or standing. Or bent over."

"There are different positions for coitus?"

"Of course there are! What, you thought it was just a man lying on a woman? Haven't you ever looked at dirty pictures?"

"That's disgusting, Penny! A gentleman doesn't look at a woman while she's undressed."

"I'm sure, but we're talking about you."

"My mama raised me to be a gentleman."

"You looked."

"What?"

"When I dislocated my shoulder. You looked."

"I did not."

"How did you know about my "soup" tattoo?"

"Uh."

"You okay over there? You look a little flushed."

"Penny, you're trying to sidetrack me. We're not getting a table."

"Now hang on a minute, Tex. You can't change the subject."

"Well I did. I don't even know how we started this discussion."

"There's no "we" in this case, Sheldon. You started it by asking me if I'd have sex with you."

"Uh, you two wanna catch me up here?"

"Thank God, Leonard! Penny won't stop bugging me about getting a table."

"Let's rewind a minute and go back to the part where you propositioned my girlfriend."

"Oh for Heaven's sake. I didn't "proposition" Penny. I merely asked if she'd have sex with me in repayment for the money I've lent her."

"You asked Penny for sex…"

"Crap on a cracker, Leonard, not like that. This is_ Sheldon_ after all, remember. The _virgin_. The man who needed diagrams and a book to even understand what a female body looked like?"

"Not true, Penny. I know what you look like naked, and while I doubt all are as aesthetically pleasing as you, I can extrapolate for the general idea of nude females of our species. Besides, I've seen Amy half-naked."

"Really? When? She never told me you guys made it to second base."

"Why are you bringing baseball into this? It was when she was really sick with the flu; I drew her a bath and bathed her to make her feel better."

"Who the hell cares about that! When did you see _my_ girlfriend naked?"

"Don't be tedious, Leonard. It was when Penny dislocated her shoulder; it was on accident. I really didn't mean to look; or grab her breast. I was just trying to help."

"How is grabbing her breast helpful in the slightest?"

"Oh for the love of - Leonard stop being jealous. He was trying to help me get on my shirt without looking at me, and his hand slipped."

"Just like Raj's penis "slipped" into your vagina?"

"What?"

"Just how many of my friends have you slept with? Or seen you naked?"

"First off, Raj and I never actually had sex. He finished before we got the condom on. And secondly, we weren't even dating at the time it happened!"

"What did Raj finish, Penny? Dinner?"

"Well, honey, when a man and a woman -"

"Shut up Sheldon! I'm trying to talk to _my_ girlfriend here."

"If you keep being insulting me, you won't _have_ a girlfriend. At least Sheldon was asking about having sex out of scientific curiosity."

"Why thank you Penny. I'm glad you realized I wasn't asking out of any desire to actually have coitus with you. After all, I have Amy and you have Leonard. Plus, you're my friend and I don't have those sort of feelings for you."

"You would never have sex with me? You don't desire me even a little?"

"As I've said before, you're aesthetically pleasing both dressed and undressed - though I admit, I think you would look better with your natural hair color instead of light blonde, but to each his or her own prerogative."

"And?"

"And what, Leonard?"

"You didn't finish your thought."

"I did."

"You didn't answer her question as to whether you desire her or not."

"I desire a great many things, but in this context, I am out of my depth."

"The Great Sheldon Cooper admitting he doesn't know anything? I need to record this for prosperity."

"You're being a dick, Leonard. This was a private discussion between Sheldon and me that has nothing to do with you."

"Nothing to do with me? Nothing to do with me? What would Amy think if she heard this conversation?"

"I am quite fascinated by it, Leonard. It is intriguing to me the dynamics of their friendship, and I too, want to know if my boyfriend would ever have sex with the beauteous Penny."

"Amy? You've been listening to this the whole time?"

"Of course, Leonard. This is our usual video chat time; have you not checked the schedule?"

"Penny you knew this?"

"Yeah. When I walked in, they were talking, so it's not like I could exactly miss her presence."

"And this doesn't bother you that Sheldon is thinking about having sex with Penny?"

"As you were not here during the first part of the conversation, Leonard, you have drawn incorrect conclusions from the part you did hear. Before Penny arrived, Sheldon and I were talking about the parameters of intimate relationships and if it were plausible for me to have my sexual needs met by another party since Sheldon has repeatedly expressed no interest in coitus with me. He was curious if all women are driven by the biological need for sex or if other other factors were included; hence his questioning of Penny."

"Uh, okay, so I don't need to be angry."

"You might not, but I sure as hell am, Leonard!"

"Penny, you were already aware of Leonard's feelings on this subject as he's a beta male attempting to achieve alpha status within the group, so naturally he'd feel threatened by how many of his friends have seen you naked."

"God, it sounds so bad when you say it like that."

"How can you not be jealous about Sheldon seeing Penny?"

"I too have seen her naked, so by that logic, wouldn't he be threatened too? And Penny, you should celebrate your sensuality, not be ashamed of it."

"I can say I am not threatened by Amy's viewing or any subsequent enjoyment of Penny's nudity. She is a scientist too, so naturally she would find the sight pleasing."

"Okay, lets stop talking about my nudity and Amy as it's really weirding me out."

"But Sheldon doesn't?"

"Why would he, Leonard? Sheldon can be mean, a whiny baby, and outright hurtful at times, but that's overshadowed by his willingness to help, his loyalty, and his utter brilliance. When he saw me naked, it wasn't a sexual situation, but a friend helping me out. Oh, and yes Sheldon, I would have sex with you even if you weren't the last man on Earth, but never out of obligation or because I owed you money."

"Thank you, Penny, for your honesty."

"No prob, sweetie. Now lets get to Ikea before they close so we can buy a new table."

"You mean so_ I_ will buy a new table."

"I knew you'd agree. You heard it Amy, Leonard. Therefore this meeting of the Furnishing Committee is adjourned."

"You can't -"

"I just did, Sheldon. Deal with it."

"Well-played, Penny. Well-played."

"Thank you Amy. We'll see you after we get back."

"But-but-but."

"C'mon, sweetie. I'm driving."

"What the hell just happened?"

"You pissed off your girlfriend and she's out furniture shopping with another man."

"Oh shut up, Amy."

* * *

><p><strong>#2 AN: I've had this for a few days and can't wrangle this into anything less than a mish-mash of ideas, so pardon the sidewayness of this one-shot.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: A continuation of a scene in 7.17 "The Friendship Turbulence." Rated M for Mature.**

* * *

><p>She feels guilty.<p>

Well, not yet.

She will. Soon. After.

She needs this: his arms around her, chest hairs agitating her nipples, cock pushing between the softness of her thighs.

"So beautiful," he whispers softly into her ear, his hand tender as he pushes the hair back. She shivers in reflexive desire, cunt clenching around his intrusion.

More, oh God please, more.

Her brain shuts off as desire crests, shatters her open, and leaves her trembly in its wake.

Tomorrow she will feel guilty and horrible and confess.

Tonight she will enjoy human contact, the biological urges driving her into a mating frenzy.

Tonight she will take Raj again and again until she wrings him dry.

* * *

><p>He feels terrible.<p>

No, no, that's a lie.

He feels wonderful. Euphoric. Sated.

He needs this: her fingernails digging into his skin, her hard nipples brushing against him, cunt wet and welcoming.

"So beautiful," he whispers into her ear, a welling tenderness demands he touch her softly, delicately, like a bee sips from a flower's heart.

He thrusts.

Pushes.

Demands.

His balls contract as white hot pleasure shoots down his spine into his cock, filling her.

Tomorrow he will wake, get ready, and go to work as always.

Tonight he will enjoy the softness of a female around him.

Tonight he will fuck and fuck and fuck Amy until he is wrung dry.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: My friend challenged me to write smut because I have a difficult time writing it - I enjoy reading it, but for whatever reason have a mental block for my own characters so I'm trying to push outside of my comfort zone. I originally tried to do one with Penny and Sheldon, but it just didn't work out (as evidenced by the prior one-shot), but this one was inspired by a conversation between Raj and Amy as they walked down the street. Instead of fade to black, in my head they ended up at Amy's apartment doing the nasty.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Coda to Episode 2.21 "The Vegas Renormalization" For HeathRow Tottie - you know why (though not exactly what you were thinking)! Also, while not explicit, there is discussion about masturbation, so T/PG-13 at least.**

* * *

><p>"Oh good, you're finally home."<p>

"What were you doing at Penny's?"

"Well, we had dinner, played some games, and then I spent the night."

"Huh."

"Oh, you'll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of friends with benefits."

"What?!"

"Why are you shrieking like a little girl? And come in and close the door, Leonard. Honestly, if I didn't know how excellently your mother reared you, I'd suspect you were raised in the same barn Penny was."

"Uh, can we go back to the whole you understanding the friends with benefits thing?"

"Leonard, you know I am uncomfortable not knowing something everyone else seems to understand, so I went to Penny because you weren't helpful and Wolowitz was crying."

"Oh, so you just talked. I get it now."

"Yes, though Penny was embarrassed by our frank intercourse; I must say, there's a reason she's a big ole five, Leonard. I never thought I'd say this, especially about a girl, but I was impressed by her handling of the...ahem...situation. She knew how uncomfortable touching was for me, but agreed coitus without accompanying emotional attachment was not only possible, but preferable."

"So, you and her…"

"Yes, we came together -"

"Sheldon, I don't need to hear about that! I can't even believe you'd do that to me."

"Do what? I wasn't doing anything to you, I was with Penny."

"Exactly! You know how I feel about her, and you know we're destined to end up together."

"I'm not so certain about that; we discussed you and she said despite your penchant to bring her mail, coitus wasn't in the offering. "All mail, no benefits," is how she termed it."

"Not now, but maybe in the future."

"Leonard, I say this as your best friend and someone who's recently gotten to know Penny very well, but you don't have a chance in Mama's Hell with that girl."

"You don't know _that_."

"I am a Physicist with a practical understanding of everything in the universe. And before you ask, yes, I do know who Radiohead is. Penny wouldn't shut up about them, so I googled it. And last night when I was in her bed, she played a CD for me so I could sleep. Their music was surprisingly effective as a white noise machine."

"I-I-I can't be here, not with you, not now. How...why...how do you get Penny to do...when you're you...and…"

"Leonard, are you having an attack of some cerebral kind? You're stuttering and sweating and not making sense. Well, most of the time that's how you operate, but right now it's worse than usual. Do you need for me to call emergency services?"

"I'm going to Raj's for the night!"

"Okay."

"Hey Sheldon, what's up with the shouting and slamming of the door?"

"Penny, you do know proper etiquette requires knocking and waiting for an invitation to come in, correct?"

_Knock, knock_ "Sheldon"

_Knock, knock_ "Sheldon"

_Knock, Knock_ "Sheldon"

"Thank you; though it's a little late since you're standing in the door, but I have to adjust for these things in my life."

"Okay, weirdo, now that's out of the way, what's up with Leonard?"

"I have no idea, I was telling him about how you were kind enough to explain to me the concept of friends with benefits and then playing games with me before I retired to your bed."

"Uh, you did explain you were there alone and I was on the couch, right?"

"Why would I do that? It should be obvious since I am way too tall to sleep comfortably on the couch."

"Um, sweetie, he might've thought you meant something else especially when you're telling him about friends with benefits."

"Meant what, exactly? You are my friend and I do gain benefits from you."

"Remember how benefits mean sex?"

"Yes, but surely there are other kinds of benefits? And why would Leonard think...ohhh."

"Ding, ding, the light bulb just popped on."

"So he thought you and me had coitus last night."

"Possibly, depends on how exactly you phrased it."

"I said we came together -"

"Oh my _God_, you didn't say that!"

"Why wouldn't I? We did come together to a complete understanding of coitus without emotions, and my preference for it, if I actually had sexual feelings."

"Wait, you're telling me you never had a wet dream or choked the hog?"

"I have no idea what you just said."

"You know, wet dreams, when puberty hit and your boy parts became a man. And choking the hog, when you...your hand...on there."

"Are you talking about masturbation?"

"Yes."

"Well why didn't you just say so instead of hiding behind vague metaphors?"

"Because I'm embarrassed!"

"Why? Given what little I know about popular culture, it seems sex is on the brain of everyone. I can't go anywhere without someone speculating about who's having coitus with whom, where, and why. Even Leonard automatically suspected we had intercourse of the sexual kind last night just because I spent the night."

"And because of how you phrased it, Sheldon. Language is, and I can't believe I'm telling _you_ this, very suggestible especially when you use certain words in certain situations."

"So intercourse and come are sexual?"

"Hngh."

"Why are you turning red?"

"You need to read that book we gave you!"

"Well, there's no need to slam the door. Honestly, maybe you and Leonard are meant to be together if that's how you respond to simple conversation."


End file.
